Paradox

Have you ever been absent?
Not there… unfamiliar with yourself?
Have you ever looked at yourself and thought, “Who is this person that is supposed to be me?”

I used to be good at being me.
Now, I am beginning to think I lost touch.

During the week I find myself moaning, barely able to stand the weight of long work hours and appointments, longing for the weekend and some time off… and once the weekend is here, I wish to go back to work because I don’t know what to do with myself.
It is absolutely disgusting.
The nagging question is: When did this happen?

I used to be able to entertain myself.
I used to be able to just read, write… or enjoy nature. Just sitting in the grass for a while was enough – fulfilling.
Now, I look at this shell (that is supposed to be me) in the few hours of time that I have to myself on weekends and it seems like I am just
pacing…
Pacing…
PACING…
on the inside – because I feel the need to go back to being under pressure. Minutes keep dragging on, feel endless. Even while writing this, I keep thinking of ways to pass the time until it’s Monday again and I can go back to work – and hating my job. It feels like a Love/Hate -Relationship. Once I’m there, I can’t wait for it to be Friday again – to be rid of demands and ‘have-to’s’… and on the weekends, I can’t wait to get back to the stressful environment I loathe.

Has Society finally succeeded to assimilate me? Has it made me one of their mindless robots?

Perhaps not quite – or I wouldn’t be writing this.
Perhaps this is my true Self’s Last Stand.

It is a frightening feeling to discover you lost yourself.
I keep wondering when that little person inside me (the one who stands for my individuality) shut the door and resigned. I keep wondering when exactly the daily grind got the best of me… drowned me out, without me even noticing.
Frightening.
Utterly frightening.

Can you be addicted to stress?
And even more importantly, how long can you keep it up until your body and mind surrender?

I am frightened by the lack of me within me.
I will heed this warning and work from here… hoping to find my way back.

Good Luck find me… I need it.

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19 responses to “Paradox

  1. Yes you can become addicted to stress. As for your job, it sounds like you are identifying yourself as your job, (maybe it’s because you get paid for it regularly?), but I think, just by reading your blogs, that you are way more than that…

  2. I agree; you can definitely be addicted to stress… to depression, to a downward spiral. Been there, done that. I’m working on pulling myself out now. It’s really hard, but I couldn’t live there anymore. I hope you’re able to do the same Miriam. I’m rooting for you!

  3. I went through exactly what you’re going through now. And I can give you good news and bad news.

    Good news: your body and soul will never surrender.

    Bad news: your mind can do a damn good job suppressing the needs of your body and soul.

    You need willpower to make sure you don’t surrender to your brain’s tricks.

    So stick to the basics: eat healthy, make sure you get enough sleep and try to make time to self-reflect.

    Ask yourself: what makes me happy? And do that. Doesn’t matter what it is.

    Hope it helps and if you need anything. You can always twitter or e-mail me.

      • It’s really important. I do that now as much as possible.

        Here’s an analogy – and I don’t even know if that’s the right word.

        What’s the difference between a sponge and a rock?

        The waves in the sea smash against the rock and the rock stays in place.
        The sponge floats and the sea decides wherever it goes. Absorbing more and more water, until it drowns.

        Think about that. Which one do you want to be?

  4. lol..I so get this..
    I look in the mirror some days and think “What happened to that lad who used to live” Now I chase my own shadow most days. I think it is a good way to think though. Always asking questions means we will always get answers, and nobody stops learning, EVER. We always learn about ourselves, so asking, and guessing about ourselves keeps us learning.

    Like!

      • Very True!
        I guess we are programmed to deal with things better? Yeah?
        Hard to put into words sometimes.
        I am a blessed lad, I know this.
        But the pain takes away bit by bit..But I have a brilliant family and friends group to help…
        I bought a Dog a month or so ago, so I am out walking if and when I can, it hurts, but I need to get back to football. It is my sanctuary lol

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