Dear Friend,

I will miss you dearly.

My life will not be the same without you.
May you find in death what you were unable to find in life.

In the end, it all comes down to love.
Thank you for sharing yours.

You belonged.

Love,
M.

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Sequence of Truth

Time.

There was a time I existed… only in my own head.

There was a timeIi went nearly extinct; thrived only by nourishing words… seldom received.
For a while, those got scarce… and my light almost winked out.

Almost.
It was a tough time.
But i made it through.

I saw the look on my mother’s face when they told her my father had killed himself.
I saw my sister fall apart.
I heard their questions and pleas… heard them mourn, saw them crumble and fall.
I didn’t want to help them find answers.
I knew there weren’t any.
He was gone… and nothing would make him come back.

Oh, I hurt, too.
I cried, too.
But I wouldn’t join them. couldn’t join them.
None of them had ever known what he had done to me.
They still do not know.

I am not sure if he deserved my tears… I want to believe he did; because deep inside, he was a good person.
Someone worth mourning.

Does it make sense to love and hate one person equally?
Does it make sense to miss someone who screwed with your head and heart, but at the same time always looked out for you?
Does it make sense to want to kick someone’s ass and hug them at the same time?

For me, it does.
I miss my father.
No child is born bad; there is always someone who is responsible for screwing people up.
Someone did that to my dad.
And my dad did it to me.

Back then, life wasn’t easy.
Like I said… my light almost winked out.
I almost gave up.

Almost… that’s the keyword.

I had to make a decision.
Long ago…
I decided that I would be the one to ruin my life… if anyone should have the opportunity, it should be me.
Ever since that day, I wear my fighting gloves. They might look old and worn by now, but they are still all I need.
Problems, no matter how big they may seem, are minor obstacles.

At the end of the day, after all, I still breathe.
I still have my spark.

Isn’t that all that matters?

I do exist.
Not only in my own head, but in this world.
I do exist… and i could not be more thankful.

Pain and joy both make me realize one thing…
I am still alive enough to feel them.

revelations

the sky wept, creating a sad symphony in unison with his footsteps.

hair, plastered to his head, grim expression on his face, he walked through the steady downpour as if his heart was still intact. head held high, shoulders straight… a masquerade for the benefit of his audience.

do not show weakness.

determined stride.
he could still feel her eyes lingering on his silhouette.

a few minutes ago, he had been warm.
comfortable.
loved.
a few minutes ago, he had loved her more than anything.
and then…
seven words had changed his world.

“I think we should see other people.”

BOOM.
out of the blue, she had launched this gut-wrenching missile at him… and it had hit home. hard.
she had been tracing the rim of her coffee cup with her fingers, eyes averted, while he had struggled not to be torn apart.
such agony.

his footsteps guided him through the pulsating rhythm of the streets, bright neon lights illuminating the wet irony of his surroundings.

just one more corner.

a few more steps and he would be out of her sight. a few more steps.
tears formed in his eyes; he did not let them escape.

not yet.

one last step… and…
out of sight.

cradled by the heavy rains drowning him in misery, he allowed himself to fall apart.