Dear Friend,

I will miss you dearly.

My life will not be the same without you.
May you find in death what you were unable to find in life.

In the end, it all comes down to love.
Thank you for sharing yours.

You belonged.

Love,
M.

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thank you.

I love it when people get me thinking.

For one of my recent blog posts, I chose the topic addiction. YourOtherMotherHere, author of The BreastfedBlog left me an exceptional comment.
She wrote:

“I read once that the hardest thing a human being can do is fight an addiction because you are actually fighting your own mind.”

It reverberates… and is just too special to be buried in the comments section.

Thank you for sharing this with me/us.
Amazing.

The Stranger | Restoration of Self

We all know that some relationships end badly.
When they do, it’s never fun… never easy.

You end up feeling angry, betrayed, lost… and in the worst case, feeling lower than low. Self-esteem below zero.
Great.
Just great.

I’ve been crushed recently – and am still dealing with the aftermath.
Still recovering.
Life hasn’t been easy – regrouping after taking a tumble… I’ve had my hands full piecing myself back together.
I won’t lie and say that my self-esteem didn’t take a beating.
It did.
For a while, I was so small… almost non-existent.

Since I always get caught up in my mind’s treadmill (thinking everything over until all my thoughts flow together and result in a gooey mush), I can’t just move on and not try to find the faults in my own actions… or, in my own being. I tend to degrade myself – and do so easily.

When least expected, the world tends to surprise us.

I just got back from a little vacation in a beautiful country.
Sun, sea, wind… lots of advantages to free my mind and get rid of burdens.
Of course I took my notepad with me – in case I would have any ideas, which I was sure would happen.
Today, I found that notebook, still packed away in a sidepocket of my suitcase.
I hadn’t written one single word while being away.
My mind took some time off… and it was well deserved.

I stayed at a beautiful little hotel. Nothing fancy, something local and cozy.
One morning, an old man stepped up to me while I was getting my breakfast at the buffet.
He looked at me.
I smiled at him and told him “Good Morning”.
He kept looking at me.
After a little while (a moment or two before things could get awkward), he gave me a brief smile and said, “Thank you.”
I was a bit baffled and asked him why he would thank me.
He told me he wanted to thank me for being such an imposing character.
I must have stared at him unbelieving, for he started to laugh a little… then he told me:
“I’ve watched you for several days now. Every morning, you come in here with a smile… share it with the people around you, greet every single person who comes close to you with a twinkle in your eye. While most of us look at our plates and mind our own business, you’re out there, spreading your joyous personality. You’re charming. You have a great Aura. Never lose it.
Thank you.”
After that, he winked at me and walked off.

I stood there, plate in hand, dumbfounded.
I couldn’t really grasp what had just happened.

What this man said to me triggered something. I wanted to cry because the words he had said were so beautiful – and they were meant for me.
Only for me.

I guess sometimes, we’re too caught up in our minds’ webs. Our own expectations and struggles blind us, make us immobile. We can no longer see how we are… how other people see us.

The words he said to me shook me out of my stupor… showed me, that I am taller than I think I am.

I never found out who he was – after that morning, I never saw him again.

I will always be thankful for what he gave me.
With his words, he flipped a switch in me… and resurrected my self-esteem.

Precious Moments

Unexpected events are the BEST.
Especially if they are from the ‘amazing’ category.

I love surprises.
It’s still morning and I already witnessed something majestic.
How fascinating is that?

There is this truly wonderful person in my life. I met him a while ago, and to this day, I am honored to be his friend.
Since Day 1, I watched him struggle. with life… with himself… with love… with pain. He never seemed to be able to catch a break.
He was caught up in his circles, going round and round; feet blistered and bloody – yet, he kept on walking. Never looked up for fear the world would come crashing down on him.
The devil we know…

It felt horrible to see him like that.
He is a gem; a true beauty in a world full of shit.
I knew I couldn’t help him break his patterns – every person has to take that step on their own – so I waited and watched.
Such a painful duty.

The past couple of days, I saw something… glinting in the dark.
A tiny spark, so faint… but unmistakably there.
Today, I watched that spark turn into a flame.
He, the warrior who fought for so long, stopped going in circles.
He looked up from the trench his feet had worn into the ground.
There was purpose in his eyes.
There was life… in a realm of decay.

I know true beauty when i see it.
Exhilarating.
The warrior took his first step outside the circle… such a strong move.
I do not know where he is headed… I am sure, neither does he – but I am thrilled he took the first step.

Some of us can move mountains.
I am sure he can.

I am thankful to be able to witness such pure beauty.
I wish said warrior the best of luck.
He surely deserves it.

Epiphany

Have you ever felt… utterly peaceful?
Have you ever felt so warm inside… so calm… that you didn’t dare move, fearing it might go away?
Eventually, you did move… and you saw your fear had no substance – the feeling was still there.
It could not be taken from you so easily.

I was granted a wonderful sliver of peace yesterday… and I still draw from it, savor it – I haven’t felt like this in all my life. This feeling… it’s so delicate, fragile… and so very mind-blowing.

Someone once said to me:

“Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but you never know when beauty will just fall from  the sky and appear right in front of you.”

I do not know if this is a famous quote, if someone important said it. Honestly, I do not care.
This one stuck with me throughout the years for one particular reason… I never understood it.
Sure, I thought it was pretty… so I memorized it and wrote it down – but it never really made sense to me.
Never.

Nice words can still be empty of meaning if the recipient is blocked. You smile and nod, but there’s this big question mark hovering over your head, labeling you a retard – you wish it would just go away and leave you in peace… but that won’t happen. You have the wrong key and can’t open this freaking door that keeps you from opening your eyes for real.
It’s so frustrating.

This persistent barricade evaporated yesterday.
Vanished into thin air.
Wow.
Just WOW.

Beauty did not only fall from the sky and appear right in front of me, it hit me straight in the face.
Most pleasant smack in the head I have ever gotten.
This overwhelming sensation gripped me… I do not really know how to describe it, just… incomprehensible.

I wanted to laugh…
I wanted to cry…
I wanted to stare in awe…
But most of all, I felt so thankful… through and through.
Still do.

I think I was aware that beauty is hidden in the smallest, simplest things. At least I like to believe I was. I just never expected to be so overwhelmed by something so… simple.

Words. Just words.

That was all it took to trigger this… epiphany.

I do not know if this will ever happen to me again, but the memory of this feeling will be embedded in my self. My being.
I am so grateful I was allowed to witness this.

Never stop looking for beauty in life.
You never know where it’s hidden.

You might think you know what it looks like… but if you’re still just a tiny bit uncertain, let me tell you – once you’ve truly seen it, you will know.
And you will understand.
__________________________________
thank you, A. from the bottom of my heart.